Crucial Conversation

  • Opposing Opinions
  • Strong Emotions
  • High Stakes

how to stay focused on what you really want:

  • Work on me first, us second:
  • Focus on what you really wants:
    • How to turn people’s response contributing to the goal?
    • What do I want for myself? what do I not want for myself? for other (to find a mutual purpose)s? for the relationship?
    • How would I behave if this were what I really wanted?
  • Refuse the fool’s choice
    • Balance between peace and honesty —> Looking for AND
    • Clarify what you don’t want, add it to what you do want, and ask your brain to start searching for healthy options to bring you to dialogue.

In summary: always on my first, ask what do I want for myself, don’t want; what do I want for others, for the relationship

Learn to look

When does crucial conversation happens:

  • Learn to look at content (goal) and conditions (other people’s feeling).
  • Look for when things become crucial. –> make the conversation safe
    • physical, emotional, silence, violence –> people becomre defensive when they no longer feel safe.
    • You believe that the other person had your best interest in mind, you felt safe receiving the feedback because you trusted the motives and ability of the other person.
  • My style under stress test:

Silence and Violence

  • Silence: Masking, Avoiding, Withdrawing.
  • Violence:
    • controlling (cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects or using directive questions to control the conversaion)
    • labeling: putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category.
    • Attacking speaks

Make it safe

Step Out, Make it safe, then step back in.

Notice which condition is at risk:

Mutual Purpose - the Entrance Condition

  • Why talk in the first place. In order for this person to be able to deliver the delicate message, you must hae believed he or she cared about you or about your goals and objectives. That means you trusted his or her purposes so you were willing to listen to some pretty tough feedback.
    • Do others believe I care about their goals in this conversation?
    • Do they trust my motives?

Mutual Respect – the Continuance Condition

  • People become defending dignity.
    • Do others believe I respect them?
    • Lord, help me forgive those who sin differently than I. When we recognize that we all have weaknesses, it is easier to find a way to respect others.

What to do Once you step out:

  • Apologize:
  • Contrast to fix muiunderstanding:
    • [the don’t part]The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value the work you put in or that I didn’t want to share it with the VP. [the do part]I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular. [issue itself]: Unfortunately, just when I was starting to make the trip out here, an issue came up with the VP that I needed to address right then and ther, or it could have cost us a huge piece of our business. I tell you waht - I’ll see if I can get her down here sometime tmr to review your work, She’ll be here for the ribbon-cutting ceremony. Let’s see if we can show off the process improvements you camue up with.
    • [the don’t part] I don’t want t o suggest that this problem is yours. The truth is, I think it’s ours. I am not trying to put the burden on you. I don’t even know what the solutions is. [the do part] What I do want is to be able to talk so that we can understand each other better. Perhaps that will help me change how I am responding to you, too.
    • [the don’t part] I am not interested in discussing why our current relationship is strong and healthy. I can se that it isn’t. [the do part]I mearely want to talk about what each of us likes and doesn’t like. That way we’ll be able to see what we need to do in order to improve and why. [Mutual purpose]My only goal is to come up with some ideas that will make both of us happy.
    • Let me put this in perspective. [the don’t part]I don’t want you to think I am not satisfied with the quality of your work. I want us to continue working together. [the do part] I really do think you are doing a good job. [remediation]This punctuality issue is important to me, and I’d just like you to work on that. If you will be more attentive to that, there are no other issues.
    • I don’t want you to think that I don’t apprecaite the time you’ve taken to keep our checkbook balanced and up to date. I do appreciate it, and I know I certainly couldn’t have done nearly as well. I do, however, have some concerns with how we are using the new electronic banking system.
  • Create a Mutual Purpose:
    • Commit to Seek Mutual purspose. – It seems like we are both trying to force our view on each other. I commit to stay in this discussion until we have a solution that satisfied both of us. Then what whether safety takes a turn for the better.
    • Recognize the purpose behind the strategy.
    • Invent a Mutual Purpose: if after clarifying everyone’s purposes you are still at odds, see if you can invent a higher or longer-term purpose that is more motivating thant the ones that keep you in conflict.
      • I certainly don’t want to make winners and losers here. It’s far better if we can come up with something that doesn’t make one team resetn the other one. We’ve voted before or flipped a coin, and the losers just ended up resenting the wineners. I am more worried about how we feel about each other than anything else. Let’s make sure that whatever we do, we don’t drive a wedge in our working relationship.
  • Brainstorm New Strategies:

Master My Stories

  • Others don’t make you mad. You make you mad. You make you scared, annoyed, or insulted. You and only you create your emotions.
  • Once you’ve created your upset emotions, you have only two options: You can act on them or be acted on by them.

The good at dialogue realize that if they don’t control their emotions, matters will get worse. So they try somethings lese, they fake it. They choke down reactions and then do their best to get back to dialogue.

Stories Create Fellings

See&Hear -> Tell a Story -> Feel -> Act.

Our Stories

Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.

If we take control of our stories, they won’t control us. People who excel at dialogue are able to influence their emotions during crucial conversations.

Any set of facts can be used to tell an infinite number of stories;

Analyze your stories:

  • Question your feelings and stories.

Skills for mastering our stories:

Don’t confuse stories with facts.

Get back to the facts:

  • Separate fact from story by focusing on behavior
  • Spot the story by watching for “hot” words.
    • scowl at me -> nervous, concerned or unsure of himself.
  • Watch For Three “Clever” stories:
    • Victim Stories – It is not my fault.
    • villains Stories – It is all your faluts.
    • Helpless Stories – “There is nothing else I can do”

Retrace your path:

  • Am I in some form of silence or violence?
  • What emotions are encouraging me to act this way?
  • What story is creating these emotions?
  • What evidence do I have to support this story?

Tell the Rest of the Story

  • Turn victims into actors: Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
  • Tun villains into humans: Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? – To allow healthy dialogue.
  • Turn the helpless into the able:
    • What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?
    • What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?

State My Path

The best at dialogue speak their minds completely and do it in a way that makes it safe for others to hear what they have to say and respond to it as well. They are both totally frank and completely respectful.

  • Confidence
  • Humility
  • Skill
  1. Share your facts: Facts are the least controversial. Facts are the most persuasive. Facts are the least insulting.
  2. Tell your story: e.g. When I first heard your recommendation, my initial reaction was to oppose your decision. But after thinking about it, I’ve realized I could be wrong. I realized I don’t really have any experience about what’s best for Debbie in this situation – only fears about the stigma of being held back. I know it is a complex issue. I’d like to talk about how both of us can more objectively weigh this decision. I know you care a great deal about my daughter, and I am confident you are well-trained. That’s not my concern at all. I know you want to do what’s best for Debbie, and I I do too. My only issue is that this is an ambiguous decision with huge implications for the rest of her life.
  3. Ask for other’s path
  4. Talk tentatively e.g. I am starting to feel like you don’t trust me. Is that what’s going on here? If so, I’d like to know what I did to lose your trust. I don’t think you are intending this, but I am beginning to feel rejected. it is leading me to conclude that you are startingto use drugs. DO you have another explanation that I am missing here? it is starting to look like you are taking this home for your own use. Is that right?
  5. Encourage testing. (Invite opposing views; Mean it; Play devil’s advocate; Do it until your motive becomes obvious)

Ex: I was checking our credit card bill, and I noticed a charge of forty-eight $ for the Good night motel down the street (shares facts)

It is a motel down the street. You know that’s how my sister found out that Phil was having an affair. She found a suspicious hotel bill. [Shares story – tentatively] I don’t have anything to worry about, do I? what do you think is going on with this bill? (asks for other’s path)

I know that you have given me no reason to question your fidelity. I don’t really believe that you are having an affair (contrasting). It is just that it might help put my mind to rest if we were to check on this right now. Would that bother you? [Encourages testing]

Strong belief —> Soften your approach.

  1. Learn to look: (when the dialogue goes into crucial) The more you care about an issue, the less likely you are to be on your best behavior.
  2. Torn down your approach: Open yourself up to the belief that others might have something to say, and better still, they might even hold a piece of the puzzle, and ask them for their views.

Explore Others’ Paths

How to listen when others blow up or clam up. A new tool to help others feel safe.

When people feel unsafe, he has been in Actphase. You need to break the cycle, help people retrace the path.

  • Be sincere
  • Be curious
  • Be patient

Encourage others to retrace their path

See&Hear -> Tell a story -> Feel -> Act

  • Every sentence has a history.
  • Break the cycle

Inquiry Skills

When: Others are going to silence or violence. We can see that they are feeling upset, fearful, or angry. We can see that if we don’t get at the source of their feelings.

How: We ve also suggested that whatever we do to invite the other person to open up and share his or her path, our invitation must be sincere.

,What: what are we supposed to actually do? listening, they must believe that when they share their thoughts, they won’t offend others or be punished for speaking frankly.

To encourage others to share their paths we’ll use four power listening tools that can help make it safe for other people to speak franky.

  • Ask:
  • Mirror: If asking others to share their path doesn’t open things up, mirroring can help build more safety. You say you are OK.
  • Paraphrase: Let’s see if I’ve got this right. You are upset because I ve voiced my concern about some of the clothes you wear. And this seems controlling or old-fashioned to you.
  • Prime: Pour some meaning into the pool before the other person will respond in kind.

How to change people’s path?

Agrees: Most arguments consist of battles over the 5 to 10 percents of the facts and stories that people disagree over. Start with areas of agreement.

Build: Point out areas of agreement, and then add elements that were left out of the discussion.

Compare: If you disagree, compare your path with the other person’s. That is, rather than suggesting that he or she is wrong, suggest that you differ. I think I see things differently. Let me describe how.

Move to action

The two riskiest times in crucial conversation

  • Make it cear how decisions will be made – who will be involved and why.
  • who should make the final desicion, in to the talk.

The 4 methods of decision making: Command; Consult Vote Consesus: it should only be used with 1) high-stakes and complex issues 2) issues where everyone absolutely must support the final choice.

How to choose:

  1. Who cares.
  2. Who knows.
  3. Who must agree?
  4. Ho many people is it worth involving. your gola should be to involve the fewest number of people while still considering the quality of the decision along with the support that people will give it.

**Who does what by when? How will you follow up? **

E.g. Call me on my cell phone when you finish your homework. Then you can go play with friends. Okay? Let me know as a soon as you ve completed the research component of this project. You’ve got until the last week in november, but if you finish earlier, give me a call.